Tuesday, March 5, 2013
So I already messed up and failed to post yesterday. To redeem myself, I am posting this short bit now, and promise to post again tonight after I get through this day. I thought it might be the Ides of March, but Wikipedia says that's the 15th. Then, for a moment, I got excited and thought it was Cinco de Mayo .... until I realized that's May. This is how my head has been working lately: not very well. I am just on overload, and even though I remind myself constantly that most people would be very happy to have my "problems," it does not alleviate my panicked feeling of being overwhelmed. The stress is making a simple kink in my neck feel like a pinched nerve, and I have some understanding now of how people get addicted to painkillers because if I had any to take, I would. If I had alcohol in the house, I would drink that, too. It's been a rough couple of weeks. And I feel guilty for writing that because I am blessed and have nothing to complain about. Yet, I am wound so tightly right now I feel like I might explode all over my living room. I have prescribed medication for anxiety that I am too anxious to take. I wish I could crawl out of my own skin right now and get away from myself. Instead, I will pour another cup of coffee (perhaps I need to switch to decaf) and take a deep breath and get going....11am appointment with pediatric cardiologist today. My son is still having that pain, and even though every health care professional I know tells me it is not heart related, he is due for a follow-up visit from the work-up he had last summer, so I will go for the follow-up because it comforts me to feel like I am doing something. And isn't that illusion most of what parenting is about? If I take some action, I can protect my family. If we arm school principals, another Sandy Hook will not occur. It's all so laughably false. But I get it. And I do it too. We have to, I think, to get through the days. Not that they are so bad for all of us, but it is a challenge, and we do what we can. That's all we can do.